epub:type="z3998:persona">Lady Sneerwell This, indeed, might have assisted. Joseph Surface Come, come; it is not too late yet.⁠—Knocking at the door. But hark! this is probably my uncle, Sir Oliver: retire to that room; we’ll consult farther when he is gone. Lady Sneerwell Well, but if he should find you out, too? Joseph Surface Oh, I have no fear of that. Sir Peter will hold his tongue for his own credit’s sake⁠—and you may depend on it I shall soon discover Sir Oliver’s weak side! Lady Sneerwell I have no diffidence of your abilities: only be constant to one roguery at a time. Joseph Surface I will, I will!⁠— Exit Lady Sneerwell. So! ’tis confounded hard, after such bad fortune, to be baited by one’s confederate in evil. Well, at all events, my character is so much better than Charles’s, that I certainly⁠—hey!⁠—what⁠—this is not Sir Oliver, but old Stanley again. Plague on’t that he should return to tease me just now! I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him here⁠— Enter Sir Oliver Surface. Gad’s life, Mr. Stanley, why have you come back to plague me at this time? You must not stay now, upon my word. Sir Oliver Sir, I hear your uncle Oliver is expected here, and though he has been so penurious to you, I’ll try what he’ll do for me. Joseph Surface Sir, ’tis impossible for you to stay now, so I must beg⁠—come any other time, and I promise you you shall be assisted. Sir Oliver No: Sir Oliver and I must be acquainted. Joseph Surface Zounds, sir! then I insist on your quitting the room directly. Sir Oliver Nay, sir⁠— Joseph Surface Sir, I insist on’t!⁠—Here, William! show this gentleman out. Since you compel me, sir, not one moment⁠—this is such insolence. Going to push him out. Enter Charles Surface. Charles Surface Heyday! what’s the matter now? What the devil, have you got hold of my little broker here? Zounds, brother, don’t hurt little Premium. What’s the matter, my little fellow? Joseph Surface So! he has been with you too, has he? Charles Surface To be sure, he has. Why, he’s as honest a little⁠—But sure, Joseph, you have not been borrowing money too, have you? Joseph Surface Borrowing! no! But, brother, you know we expect Sir Oliver here every⁠— Charles Surface O Gad, that’s true! Noll mustn’t find the little broker here, to be sure. Joseph Surface Yet Mr. Stanley insists⁠— Charles Surface Stanley! why his name’s Premium. Joseph Surface No, sir, Stanley. Charles Surface No, no, Premium. Joseph Surface Well, no matter which⁠—but⁠— Charles Surface Ay, ay, Stanley or Premium, ’tis the same thing, as you say; for I suppose he goes by half a hundred names, besides A. B. at the coffeehouse. Knocking. Joseph Surface ’Sdeath! here’s Sir Oliver at the door. — Now I beg, Mr. Stanley⁠— Charles Surface Ay, ay, and I beg Mr. Premium⁠— Sir Oliver Gentlemen⁠— Joseph Surface Sir, by Heaven you shall go! Charles Surface Ay, out with him, certainly! Sir Oliver This violence⁠— Joseph Surface Sir, ’tis your own fault. Charles Surface Out with him, to be sure. Both forcing Sir Oliver out. Enter Sir Peter and Lady Teazle, Maria, and Rowley. Sir Peter My old friend, Sir Oliver⁠—hey! What in the name of wonder⁠—here are dutiful nephews⁠—assault their uncle at a first visit! Lady Teazle Indeed, Sir Oliver, ’twas well we came in to rescue you. Rowley Truly it was; for I perceive, Sir Oliver, the character of old Stanley was no protection to you. Sir Oliver Nor of Premium either: the necessities of the former could not extort a shilling from that benevolent gentleman; and with the other I stood a chance of faring worse than my ancestors, and being knocked down without being bid for. Joseph Surface Charles! Charles Surface Joseph! Joseph Surface ’T is now complete! Charles Surface Very. Sir Oliver Sir Peter, my friend, and Rowley too⁠—look on that elder nephew of mine. You know what he has already received from my bounty; and you also know how gladly I would have regarded half my fortune as held in trust for him: judge then my disappointment in discovering him to be destitute of truth, charity, and gratitude! Sir Peter Sir Oliver, I should be more surprised at this declaration, if I had not myself found him to be mean, treacherous, and hypocritical. Lady Teazle And if the gentleman pleads not guilty to these, pray let him call me to his character. Sir Peter Then, I believe, we need add no more: if he knows himself, he will consider it as the most perfect punishment that he is known to the world. Charles Surface If they talk this way to Honesty, what will they say to me, by and by? Aside. Sir Peter, Lady Teazle, and Maria retire. Sir Oliver As for that prodigal, his brother there⁠— Charles Surface Ay, now comes my turn: the damned family pictures will ruin me! Aside. Joseph Surface Sir Oliver⁠—uncle, will you honour me with a hearing? Charles Surface Now, if Joseph would make one of his long speeches, I might recollect myself a little. Aside. Sir Oliver I suppose you would undertake to justify yourself entirely? To Joseph Surface. Joseph Surface I trust I could. Sir Oliver To Charles Surface. Well, sir!⁠—and you could justify yourself too, I suppose? Charles Surface Not that I know of, Sir Oliver. Sir Oliver What! Little Premium has been let too much into the secret, I suppose? Charles Surface True, sir; but they were family secrets, and should not be mentioned again, you know. Rowley Come, Sir Oliver, I know you cannot speak of Charles’s follies with anger. Sir Oliver Odds heart, no more I can; nor with gravity either. — Sir Peter, do you know the rogue bargained with me for all his ancestors; sold me judges and generals by the foot, and maiden aunts as cheap as broken china. Charles Surface To be sure, Sir Oliver, I did make a little free with the family canvas, that’s the truth on’t. My ancestors may rise in judgment against me, there’s no denying it; but believe me sincere when I tell you⁠—and upon my soul I would