the room in strong hysterics, and Charles after her, calling out for hartshorn and water; then, madam, they began to fight with swords⁠— Enter Crabtree. Crabtree With pistols, nephew⁠—pistols! I have it from undoubted authority. Mrs. Candour Oh, Mr. Crabtree, then it is all true! Crabtree Too true, indeed, madam, and Sir Peter is dangerously wounded⁠— Sir Benjamin By a thrust in segoon 25 quite through his left side⁠— Crabtree By a bullet lodged in the thorax. Mrs. Candour Mercy on me! Poor Sir Peter! Crabtree Yes, madam; though Charles would have avoided the matter, if he could. Mrs. Candour I told you who it was; I knew Charles was the person. Sir Benjamin My uncle, I see, knows nothing of the matter. Crabtree But Sir Peter taxed him with the basest ingratitude⁠— Sir Benjamin That I told you, you know⁠— Crabtree Do, nephew, let me speak!⁠—and insisted on immediate⁠— Sir Benjamin Just as I said⁠— Crabtree Odds life, nephew, allow others to know something too! A pair of pistols lay on the bureau (for Mr. Surface, it seems, had come home the night before late from Salthill, where he had been to see the Montem 26 with a friend, who has a son at Eton), so, unluckily, the pistols were left charged. Sir Benjamin I heard nothing of this. Crabtree Sir Peter forced Charles to take one, and they fired, it seems, pretty nearly together. Charles’s shot took effect, as I tell you, and Sir Peter’s missed; but, what is very extraordinary, the ball struck against a little bronze Shakespeare that stood over the fireplace, grazed out of the window at a right angle, and wounded the postman, who was just coming to the door with a double letter from Northamptonshire. 27 Sir Benjamin My uncle’s account is more circumstantial, I confess; but I believe mine is the true one, for all that. Lady Sneerwell Aside. I am more interested in this affair than they imagine, and must have better information. Exit Lady Sneerwell. Sir Benjamin Ah! Lady Sneerwell’s alarm is very easily accounted for. Crabtree Yes, yes, they certainly do say⁠—but that’s neither here nor there. Mrs. Candour But, pray, where is Sir Peter at present? Crabtree Oh, they brought him home, and he is now in the house, though the servants are ordered to deny him. Mrs. Candour I believe so, and Lady Teazle, I suppose, attending him. Crabtree Yes, yes; and I saw one of the faculty enter just before me. Sir Benjamin Hey! who comes here? Crabtree Oh, this is he: the physician, depend on’t. Mrs. Candour Oh, certainly! it must be the physician; and now we shall know. Enter Sir Oliver Surface. Crabtree Well, doctor, what hopes? Mrs. Candour Ay, doctor, how’s your patient? Sir Benjamin Now, doctor, isn’t it a wound with a small-sword? Crabtree A bullet lodged in the thorax, for a hundred! Sir Oliver Doctor! a wound with a small-sword! and a bullet in the thorax!⁠—Oons! are you mad, good people? Sir Benjamin Perhaps, sir, you are not a doctor? Sir Oliver Truly, I am to thank you for my degree, if I am. Crabtree Only a friend of Sir Peter’s, then, I presume. But, sir, you must have heard of his accident? Sir Oliver Not a word! Crabtree Not of his being dangerously wounded? Sir Oliver The devil he is! Sir Benjamin Run through the body⁠— Crabtree Shot in the breast⁠— Sir Benjamin By one Mr. Surface⁠— Crabtree Ay, the younger. Sir Oliver Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts: however, you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded. Sir Benjamin Oh, yes, we agree in that. Crabtree Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt of that. Sir Oliver Then, upon my word, for a person in that situation, he is the most imprudent man alive; for here he comes, walking as if nothing at all was the matter. Enter Sir Peter Teazle. Odds heart, Sir Peter! you are come in good time, I promise you; for we had just given you over! Sir Benjamin Aside to Crabtree. Egad, uncle, this is the most sudden recovery! Sir Oliver Why, man! what do you out of bed with a small-sword through your body, and a bullet lodged in your thorax? Sir Peter A small-sword and a bullet! Sir Oliver Ay; these gentlemen would have killed you without law or physic, and wanted to dub me a doctor, to make me an accomplice. Sir Peter Why, what is all this? Sir Benjamin We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the story of the duel is not true, and are sincerely sorry for your other misfortune. Sir Peter So, so; all over the town already! Aside. Crabtree Though, Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at your years. Sir Peter Sir, what business is that of yours? Mrs. Candour Though, indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a husband, he’s very much to be pitied. Sir Peter Plague on your pity, ma’am! I desire none of it. Sir Benjamin However, Sir Peter, you must not mind the laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion. Sir Peter Sir, sir! I desire to be master in my own house. Crabtree ’T is no uncommon case, that’s one comfort. Sir Peter I insist on being left to myself: without ceremony⁠—I insist on your leaving my house directly! Mrs. Candour Well, well, we are going; and depend on’t, we’ll make the best report of it we can. Exit. Sir Peter Leave my house! Crabtree And tell how hardly you’ve been treated. Exit. Sir Peter Leave my house! Sir Benjamin And how patiently you bear it. Exit. Sir Peter Fiends! vipers! furies! Oh! that their own venom would choke them! Sir Oliver They are very provoking, indeed, Sir Peter. Enter Rowley. Rowley I heard high words: what has ruffled you, sir? Sir Peter Pshaw! what signifies asking? Do I ever pass a day without my vexations? Rowley Well, I’m not inquisitive. Sir Oliver Well, Sir Peter, I have seen both my nephews in the manner we proposed. Sir Peter A precious couple they are! Rowley Yes, and Sir Oliver is convinced that your judgment was right, Sir Peter. Sir Oliver Yes, I find Joseph is indeed the man, after all. Rowley Ay, as Sir Peter says, he is a man of sentiment. Sir Oliver And acts up to the sentiments he professes.