culpable, since it has deprived me of the pleasure of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my heart dictates. Sir Oliver Aside. Dissembler!⁠—Aloud. Then, sir, you can’t assist me? Joseph Surface At present, it grieves me to say, I cannot; but, whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me. Sir Oliver I am extremely sorry⁠— Joseph Surface Not more than I, believe me; to pity without the power to relieve, is still more painful than to ask and be denied. Sir Oliver Kind sir, your most obedient humble servant. Joseph Surface You leave me deeply affected, Mr. Stanley. — William, be ready to open the door. Calls to Servant. Sir Oliver Oh, dear sir, no ceremony. Joseph Surface Your very obedient. Sir Oliver Sir, your most obsequious. Joseph Surface You may depend upon hearing from me, whenever I can be of service. Sir Oliver Sweet sir, you are too good! Joseph Surface In the meantime I wish you health and spirits. Sir Oliver Your ever grateful and perpetual humble servant. Joseph Surface Sir, yours as sincerely. Sir Oliver Aside. Charles, you are my heir! Exit. Joseph Surface This is one bad effect of a good character; it invites application from the unfortunate, and there needs no small degree of address to gain the reputation of benevolence without incurring the expense. The silver ore of pure charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man’s good qualities; whereas the sentimental French plate I use instead of it makes just as good a show, and pays no tax. Reenter Rowley. Rowley Mr. Surface, your servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting you, though my business demands immediate attention, as this note will inform you. Joseph Surface Always happy to see Mr. Rowley⁠—a rascal. — Aside. Reads the letter. Sir Oliver Surface!⁠—My uncle arrived! Rowley He is, indeed: we have just parted⁠—quite well, after a speedy voyage, and impatient to embrace his worthy nephew. Joseph Surface I am astonished!⁠—William! stop Mr. Stanley, if he’s not gone. Calls to Servant. Rowley Oh! he’s out of reach, I believe. Joseph Surface Why did you not let me know this when you came in together? Rowley I thought you had particular business. But I must be gone to inform your brother, and appoint him here to meet your uncle. He will be with you in a quarter of an hour. Joseph Surface So he says. Well, I am strangely overjoyed at his coming. — Aside. Never, to be sure, was anything so damned unlucky! Rowley You will be delighted to see how well he looks. Joseph Surface Ah! I’m rejoiced to hear it. — Aside. Just at this time! Rowley I’ll tell him how impatiently you expect him. Joseph Surface Do, do; pray give my best duty and affection. Indeed, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him. Exit Rowley. Certainly his coming just at this time is the cruellest piece of ill-fortune. Exit.

Scene II

A room in Sir Peter Teazle’s house.

	Enter Mrs. Candour and Maid.
Maid	Indeed, ma’am, my lady will see nobody at present.
Mrs. Candour	Did you tell her it was her friend, Mrs. Candour?
Maid	Yes, ma’am; but she begs you will excuse her.
Mrs. Candour	Do go again: I shall be glad to see her, if it be only for a moment, for I’m sure she must be in great distress.⁠—
	Exit Maid.
	Dear heart, how provoking! I’m not mistress of half the circumstances! We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers, with the names of the parties at length, before I have dropped the story at a dozen houses.
	Enter Sir Benjamin Backbite.
	Oh, dear Sir Benjamin! you have heard, I suppose⁠—
Sir Benjamin	Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface⁠—
Mrs. Candour	And Sir Peter’s discovery⁠—
Sir Benjamin	Oh, the strangest piece of business, to be sure!
Mrs. Candour	Well, I never was so surprised in my life. I am so sorry for all parties, indeed.
Sir Benjamin	Now, I don’t pity Sir Peter at all: he was so extravagantly partial to Mr. Surface.
Mrs. Candour	Mr. Surface! Why, ’twas with Charles Lady Teazle was detected.
Sir Benjamin	No, no, I tell you: Mr. Surface is the gallant.
Mrs. Candour	No such thing! Charles is the man. ’T was Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them.
Sir Benjamin	I tell you I had it from one⁠—
Mrs. Candour	And I have it from one⁠—
Sir Benjamin	Who had it from one, who had it⁠—
Mrs. Candour	From one immediately⁠—But here comes Lady Sneerwell; perhaps she knows the whole affair.
	Enter Lady Sneerwell.
Lady Sneerwell	So, my dear Mrs. Candour, here’s a sad affair of our friend Lady Teazle!
Mrs. Candour	Ay, my dear friend, who would have thought⁠—
Lady Sneerwell	Well, there is no trusting appearances; though, indeed, she was always too lively for me.
Mrs. Candour	To be sure, her manners were a little too free; but then she was so young!
Lady Sneerwell	And had, indeed, some good qualities.
Mrs. Candour	So she had, indeed. But have you heard the particulars?
Lady Sneerwell	No; but everybody says that Mr. Surface⁠—
Sir Benjamin	Ay, there; I told you Mr. Surface was the man.
Mrs. Candour	No, no: indeed the assignation was with Charles.
Lady Sneerwell	With Charles! You alarm me, Mrs. Candour!
Mrs. Candour	Yes, yes; he was the lover. Mr. Surface, to do him justice, was only the informer.
Sir Benjamin	Well, I’ll not dispute with you, Mrs. Candour; but, be it which it may, I hope that Sir Peter’s wound, will not⁠—
Mrs. Candour	Sir Peter’s wound! Oh, mercy! I didn’t hear a word of their fighting.
Lady Sneerwell	Nor I, a syllable.
Sir Benjamin	No! what, no mention of the duel?
Mrs. Candour	Not a word.
Sir Benjamin	Oh, yes: they fought before they left the room.
Lady Sneerwell	Pray let us hear.
Mrs. Candour	Ay, do oblige us with the duel.
Sir Benjamin	Sir, says Sir Peter, immediately after the discovery, you are a most ungrateful fellow.
Mrs. Candour	Ay, to Charles⁠—
Sir Benjamin	No, no⁠—to Mr. Surface⁠—a most ungrateful fellow; and old as I am, sir, says he, I insist on immediate satisfaction.
Mrs. Candour	Ay, that must have been to Charles; for ’tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should fight in his own house.
Sir Benjamin	Gad’s life, ma’am, not at all⁠—giving me immediate satisfaction.⁠—On this, ma’am, Lady Teazle, seeing Sir Peter in such danger, ran out of