Beatrice Or An Alarming Tale of British Murderand Woe By EarhartKentworth Edited byTedd Hawks Beatriceor An Alarming Tale of British Murder and Woe Copyright © 2021 by Tedd Hawks ISBN: 9781736505908 Cover design by Sarah Lavere All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any formor by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording,or by any information storage retrieval system, without written permission fromthe author. Tedd Hawks www.teddhawks.com This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living ordead is entirely coincidental. Dedication: For JJ, who is always wonderful enough to ask, and my dad, who encouraged me to laugh. Table of Contents Cast of Characters ANote from the Author ANote on the Author’s Note ANote on the Note about the Author’s Note Prologue: The Complex History of the Hawsfeffers Chapter1: The Solicitor and His Assistant Chapter 2: Beatrice Chapter3: A Suspicion Chapter4: The Last Arrivals Chapter 5: Lucinda’s Last Words Chapter6: An Indigent and a Lady Chapter7: A Voice in the Dark Chapter8: The Pot Boils Chapter9: A Perfect Night for Murder Chapter 10: The Aftermath Chapter 11: The Vault Chapter12: A Prime Suspect Chapter 13: Sleuthing Chapter14: May’s Secret Chapter15: A Shot in the Dark Chapter 16: Detective Lucian Lucretian Pimento Chapter17: Tick Tock Chapter 18: Portraits of Death Chapter 19: Toward the Climax Chapter20: Bixby Ex Machina Chapter21: Pimento, Triumphant Chapter 22: Brontë at the Brink Chapter 23: Crockett’s Confession Chapter24: A Murderer’s Monologue Chapter25: The Battle of the Tiddlymouth Chapter 26: Martha Chapter27: The End of the Affair Chapter28: The Danube Mob AnAfterword and Apology Cast ofCharacters CrockettCook—19-year-old junior solicitor, anxious around danger and the female sex PetrarchBluster—master solicitor, rotund and joyful TheVon Bunsons The Baron(deceased)—created the estate which fell to the Hawsfeffer family, diedmysteriously Gladys(deceased)—classically pale and sickly Victorian, (also) died mysteriously Bixby (ex-patriated)—theatricaland garish, moved to the United States to seek his fortune TheHawsfeffers Bixby(deceased)—patriarch of the Hawsfeffers, recently died in a boating incident Lucinda (deceased)—firstwife of Bixby Hawsfeffer, (also) died in a boating incident Pip (BixbyHawsfeffer, Jr.)—homosexual son from Bixby’s first marriage, now in Paris Corinthiana—secondwife of Bixby Hawsfeffer, classist, loves prolonged vowels May—youngestdaughter of Corinthiana and Bixby Hawsfeffer, failed nun RobertEdward Harrington—second cousin of Bixby Hawsfeffer, odd face and accent TheWinterbournes August—marriedto June, family is known for dying under non-nefarious circumstances June—eldestdaughter of Corinthiana and Bixby Hawsfeffer, really quite ordinary Brontë—eldestdaughter of June and August, prone to wearing trousers, speaking her mind Kordelia—youngestdaughter of June and August, arsonist, dramatist, oddball TheHawsfeffer Staff Martha Smith—familymaid, served the house since Bixby Hawsfeffer’s first marriage to Lucinda DexterFletcher—family groundskeeper, prone to theatrics and being forgotten A Note from the Author 14 January1913 ToWhomsoever It May Concern: It behooves the authorto warn the reader that the following is based on entirely almost-true events.There was an encounter with Mrs. W——’s barrister which led to the “almost”portion as select occurrences had to be altered to protect the identities of certainpersons. If the true nature of the crime were to be public, it could tarnishthe reputation of the W—— and H—— families forever. As their position in West Hampminstershireshiresociety is rather tortured as is, I have agreed to write this almost account onbehalf of Mrs. W—— and her family. The family’s need for total privacy wasovershadowed by the hope that the following text would generate a small income,enough to provide for their youngest daughter at her new French finishingschool, as opposed to the Swiss institution which had made her almost entirelyunbearable on the subject of cheeses. Butthat aside, certain events are absolutely true. Therewas a grisly murder. Therewas a love story. Therewas, indeed, a plot of much cunning to conceal all. Ihave recorded as much of the incident as truthfully as possible. When Mrs. W—— appearedat my door, weeping about the loss of her dear friend and asking how much agood mystery book could earn a fair, gentle, middle-aged woman, I promptlyassured her that it directly correlated to the amount of gruesome details thatcould be included therein. Between sobs she assured me that there was a largeamount of such things and that, if needed, additional, tasteful gore could beadded in order to heighten tensions. Thatwas the beginning of our story, the adventure. I write this to you at the endof it all, the barrister’s extensive notes taken into account (“Does bloodreally ‘burst with geyser-like zest’ from a papercut?”). I present to you the,henceforth named, Windham and Hogsdish families and the death of their dearfriend. It is not for the faint of heart, or those afraid of lawyers as thereare several included in the following pages, but I sincerely hope that I do thewhole complicated debacle justice. Your servant, Earhart Kentworth A Note on the Author’s Note 17 March 2020 Dear Reader, Italso may behoove you (in a rare instance of double behoovement) to know thatthis text was discovered by dumb luck while I was visiting a bookshop inLondon. Imentioned to the store owner that I was working on my third book, a mysterynovel. His interest was immediately piqued, and he told me about his distantcousin, who had written a draft of a novel a long time ago based on eventswhich occurred in a large family. The story he described included deaths,betrayals, fallen nuns, and ghosts. He said that his cousin who wrote the novelwas prone to drink and flights of fancy and that he only sold one novel to apublisher during his entire career, a romance about a pirate and a mermaid. Thebook in question sold only forty-five copies, thirty-seven to the author’smother, Adelaide Earhart, and one to Ms. Kordelia Hawsfeffer, who went on torecommend the author to her mother to tell their family’s story. Asthe shopkeeper told me more about this unsuccessful writer, I couldn’t help butfeel a certain connection. I, too, was an unsuccessful writer who was prone toflights of fancy and drink. Aftera long chat, the owner agreed to give me the manuscript to clean up andpublish. I have to say that Earhart did (mostly) an excellent job on theinitial draft. My main contribution was toning down scenes of horrific violencethat, from the previous note, seem to be a device used for increasing sales. Therewere some questionable pieces added which I have largely edited out, but forthe most part, I think the text is fine in its own right and hischaracterizations are actually very good. In the end it took two bad writers toget this text to the public, but we hope that you will
