epub:type="z3998:stage-direction">Enter Sir Peter Teazle. Sir Peter Ay, ever improving himself⁠— Mr. Surface, Mr. Surface⁠—Pats Joseph on the shoulder. Joseph Surface Oh, my dear Sir Peter, I beg your pardon⁠—Gaping, throws away the book. I have been dozing over a stupid book. Well, I am much obliged to you for this call. You haven’t been here, I believe, since I fitted up this room. Books, you know, are the only things in which I am a coxcomb. Sir Peter ’T is very neat indeed. — Well, well, that’s proper; and you can make even your screen a source of knowledge⁠—hung, I perceive, with maps. Joseph Surface Oh, yes, I find great use in that screen. Sir Peter I dare say you must, certainly, when you want to find anything in a hurry. Joseph Surface Ay, or to hide anything in a hurry either. Aside. Sir Peter Well, I have a little private business⁠— Joseph Surface You need not stay. To Servant. Servant No, sir. Exit. Joseph Surface Here’s a chair, Sir Peter⁠—I beg⁠— Sir Peter Well, now we are alone, there is a subject, my dear friend, on which I wish to unburden my mind to you⁠—a point of the greatest moment to my peace; in short, my good friend, Lady Teazle’s conduct of late has made me very unhappy. Joseph Surface Indeed! I am very sorry to hear it. Sir Peter Yes, ’tis but too plain she has not the least regard for me; but, what’s worse, I have pretty good authority to suppose she has formed an attachment to another. Joseph Surface Indeed! you astonish me! Sir Peter Yes! and, between ourselves, I think I’ve discovered the person. Joseph Surface How! you alarm me exceedingly. Sir Peter Ay, my dear friend, I knew you would sympathize with me! Joseph Surface Yes, believe me, Sir Peter, such a discovery would hurt me just as much as it would you. Sir Peter I am convinced of it. — Ah! it is a happiness to have a friend whom we can trust even with one’s family secrets. But have you no guess who I mean? Joseph Surface I haven’t the most distant idea. It can’t be Sir Benjamin Backbite! Sir Peter Oh, no! What say you to Charles? Joseph Surface My brother! impossible! Sir Peter Oh, my dear friend, the goodness of your own heart misleads you. You judge of others by yourself. Joseph Surface Certainly, Sir Peter, the heart that is conscious of its own integrity is ever slow to credit another’s treachery. Sir Peter True; but your brother has no sentiment⁠—you never hear him talk so. Joseph Surface Yet I can’t but think Lady Teazle herself has too much principle. Sir Peter Ay; but what is principle against the flattery of a handsome, lively young fellow? Joseph Surface That’s very true. Sir Peter And then, you know, the difference of our ages makes it very improbable that she should have any great affection for me; and if she were to be frail, and I were to make it public, why the town would only laugh at me, the foolish old bachelor, who had married a girl. Joseph Surface That’s true, to be sure⁠—they would laugh. Sir Peter Laugh! ay, and make ballads, and paragraphs, and the devil knows what of me. Joseph Surface No⁠—you must never make it public. Sir Peter But then again⁠—that the nephew of my old friend, Sir Oliver, should be the person to attempt such a wrong, hurts me more nearly. Joseph Surface Ay, there’s the point. When ingratitude barbs the dart of injury, the wound has double danger in it. Sir Peter Ay⁠—I, that was, in a manner, left his guardian: in whose house he had been so often entertained; who never in my life denied him⁠—my advice! Joseph Surface Oh, ’tis not to be credited! There may be a man capable of such baseness, to be sure; but, for my part, till you can give me positive proofs, I cannot but doubt it. However, if it should be proved on him, he is no longer a brother of mine⁠—I disclaim kindred with him: for the man who can break the laws of hospitality, and tempt the wife of his friend, deserves to be branded as the pest of society. Sir Peter What a difference there is between you! What noble sentiments! Joseph Surface Yet I cannot suspect Lady Teazle’s honour. Sir Peter I am sure I wish to think well of her, and to remove all ground of quarrel between us. She has lately reproached me more than once with having made no settlement on her; and, in our last quarrel, she almost hinted that she should not break her heart if I was dead. Now, as we seem to differ in our ideas of expense, I have resolved she shall have her own way, and be her own mistress in that respect for the future; and, if I were to die, she will find I have not been inattentive to her interest while living. Here, my friend, are the drafts of two deeds, which I wish to have your opinion on. — By one, she will enjoy eight hundred a year independent while I live; and by the other, the bulk of my fortune at my death. Joseph Surface This conduct, Sir Peter, is indeed truly generous. — Aside. I wish it may not corrupt my pupil. Sir Peter Yes, I am determined she shall have no cause to complain, though I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection yet awhile. Joseph Surface Nor I, if I could help it. Aside. Sir Peter And now, my dear friend, if you please, we will talk over the situation of your hopes with Maria. Joseph Surface Softly. Oh, no, Sir Peter; another time, if you please. Sir Peter I am sensibly chagrined at the little progress you seem to make in her affections. Joseph Surface Softly. I beg you will not mention it. What are my disappointments when your happiness is in debate!⁠—Aside. ’Sdeath, I shall be ruined every way! Sir Peter And though you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with your passion for Maria,