nothing of the fact that she is my ward. Algernon I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax. To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin. Jack I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all. I love her. Algernon Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily. I adore her. Jack There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew. Algernon I don’t think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united. Jack Well, that is no business of yours. Algernon If it was my business, I wouldn’t talk about it. Begins to eat muffins. It is very vulgar to talk about one’s business. Only people like stockbrokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties. Jack How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can’t make out. You seem to me to be perfectly heartless. Algernon Well, I can’t eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them. Jack I say it’s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances. Algernon When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me. Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as anyone who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink. At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy. Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins. Rising. Jack Rising. Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. Takes muffins from Algernon. Algernon Offering teacake. I wish you would have teacake instead. I don’t like teacake. Jack Good heavens! I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden. Algernon But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins. Jack I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances. That is a very different thing. Algernon That may be. But the muffins are the same. He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack. Jack Algy, I wish to goodness you would go. Algernon You can’t possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It’s absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest. Jack My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better. I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5:30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest. Gwendolen would wish it. We can’t both be christened Ernest. It’s absurd. Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like. There is no evidence at all that I have ever been christened by anybody. I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble. It is entirely different in your case. You have been christened already. Algernon Yes, but I have not been christened for years. Jack Yes, but you have been christened. That is the important thing. Algernon Quite so. So I know my constitution can stand it. If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now. It might make you very unwell. You can hardly have forgotten that someone very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill. Jack Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary. Algernon It usen’t to be, I know⁠—but I daresay it is now. Science is always making wonderful improvements in things. Jack Picking up the muffin-dish. Oh, that is nonsense; you are always talking nonsense. Algernon Jack, you are at the muffins again! I wish you wouldn’t. There are only two left. Takes them. I told you I was particularly fond of muffins. Jack But I hate teacake. Algernon Why on earth then do you allow teacake to be served up for your guests? What ideas you have of hospitality! Jack Algernon! I have already told you to go. I don’t want you here. Why don’t you go! Algernon I haven’t quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one muffin left. Jack groans, and sinks into a chair. Algernon still continues eating.

Act Drop

Act III

Scene: Morning-room at the Manor House.

	Gwendolen and Cecily are at the window, looking out into the garden.
Gwendolen	The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as anyone else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left.
Cecily	They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.
Gwendolen	After a pause. They don’t seem to notice us at all. Couldn’t you cough?
Cecily	But I haven’t got a cough.
Gwendolen	They’re looking at us. What effrontery!
Cecily	They’re approaching. That’s very forward of them.
Gwendolen	Let us preserve a dignified silence.
Cecily	Certainly. It’s the only thing to do now. Enter Jack followed by Algernon. They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.
Gwendolen	This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.
Cecily	A most distasteful one.
Gwendolen	But we will not be the first to speak.
Cecily	Certainly not.
Gwendolen	Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply.
Cecily	Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian’s brother?
Algernon	In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.
Cecily	To Gwendolen. That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?
Gwendolen	Yes, dear, if you can believe him.
Cecily	I don’t. But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.
Gwendolen	True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing.