Pitchstone Publishing Durham, North Carolina www.pitchstonebooks.com Copyright © 2020 by Chris Matheson All rights reserved Printed in the USA Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Names: Matheson, Chris, author. Title: The Buddha’s story / Chris Matheson. Description: Durham, North Carolina : Pitchstone Publishing, [2020] | Summary: “A humorous take on the life of Siddhartha Gautama, imagined as an autobiography written by him, spanning from his birth to his eventual so-called extinction”—Provided by publisher. Identifiers: LCCN 2019054124 (print) | LCCN 2019054125 (ebook) | ISBN 9781634312004 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781634312011 (ebook) Subjects: LCSH: Gautama Buddha—Fiction. | Monks—India—Fiction. Classification: LCC PS3613.A8262 B83 2020 (print) | LCC PS3613.A8262 (ebook) | DDC 813/.6—dc23 LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019054124 LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019054125 “Your Holiness, tell me, what role does Jesus Christ play in your Muslim religion?” —Larry King, in a rather awkward interview with the 14th Dalai Lama, a living Buddha of compassion “I’m sorry, but could you please repeat the question?” —The 14th Dalai Lama * The much-hyped interview was broadcast live on December 31, 1999 as part of CNN’s Millennium 2000 primetime coverage. Although the exchange was watched by millions, neither the full video nor the official transcript has ever been posted online—almost as if the entire interview is meant to be completely forgotten. Thus, as with the life of Siddhartha himself, the exact truth about the interview that night may be lost to history. Yet, the story of it lives on as legend. Abbreviations KSJAT—King Shibi Jataka AVDS—Avadanasataka NK—Nidanakatha SV—Sangityavamsa ASV—Asvaghosha KDS—Kinh Duoc Su MJ—Majjhima Nikaya GV—Gandavyuha ACC—Acchariya-abhutta Sutra MHP—Mahapadana Sutra ATT—Atthakavagga LV—Lalitavistara Sutra IDD—Iddhipada-vibanga Sutra DP—Dhammapada RH—Rhinoceros Horn Sutra ITI—Itivattaka AP—Ariyapariyesana Sutra SK—Sukhavativyuha Sutra SAL—Saleyyana Sutra MH—Mahasaccaka Sutra SY—Samyutta Nikaya HJAT—Hare Jataka ANG—Anguttara Nikaya MV—Mahavagga DCP—Dhammacakkappavattana Sutra DG—Digha Nikaya SP—Satipatthana Sutra PP—Padopama Sutra TV—Theravada Vinaya VK—Vimalikirti Sutra TGG—Tathagatagharba Sutra OJO—Ojoyoshu SZJ—Sishier Zhang Jing ILL—Illumination of the Five Realms LSV—Larger Sukhavativyuha PV—Petavatthu SH—Shurangama Sutra AGG—Agganna Sutra SDS—Saddhamasmrtyupasthana Sutra DFMHG—Deliverance from Flaming Mouth Hungry Ghost Sutra SOA—Sermon on Abuse MHD—Mahadukkhakhanda Sutra GPJAT—Golden Peacock Jataka MGD—Magandiya Sutra GTJAT—Goblin Town Jataka PP—Parajika Pei IOU—Inquiry of Ugra CV—Cullavagga MSV—Mulasarvastivada Sutra BL—Bimba’s Lament FCJAT—Fairy Canda Jataka NKV—Nandakovada Sutra RUJAT—Rupyavati Jataka RAH—Rahulovada Sutra VSJA—Vessantara Jataka MUS—Parable of the Mustard Seed THR—Therigatha CMJAT—Crocodile and Monkey Jataka MCJAT—Marsh Crow Jataka UD—Udana JBJAT—Jackal Beware Jataka SYEJAT—Sixty Year Old Elephant Jataka JTMKJAT—Jolly the Monkey King Jataka OEJAT—Obedient Elephant Jataka NKR—Nihon Ryoi Ki SDI—Sanghadisesa CCJAT—Compassionate Captain Jataka MPB—Mahaparinibbana Sutra LOT—Lotus Sutra CSG—Chan School Gonyan PMKS—Phra Malai Klon Suat NBS—Nembutsu Shu BA—Buddha Amitayus SSV—Smaller Sukhavativyuha WTJAT—Wishing Tree Jataka LJJAT—Lion and Jackal Jataka BYJAT—Brahmin Youth Jataka Part 1: Beginning 1 I am the Buddha and this is my story. To begin with, I want to give you an idea of the greatness of my essential nature. In one of my many previous lifetimes, I was a king named Shibi. As King Shibi, I was so brimming over with compassion that merely in order to feed a bird (a pigeon to be precise) I cut off all of my own flesh, thereby becoming a skeleton. I remember slicing all my flesh away, then standing proudly and proclaiming, “I sacrifice my body not for treasure but for enlightenment, in order that I may save all living beings!” At that point, I recited a kind of a poem, which went something like this: Dragons and demons and gods and ghosts I am a hero and that is no boast Singers and dancers and ogres and fools You should be like me and follow my rules. I did not mean, quite obviously, that gods, ghosts, etc. should all be talking skeletons like me. Rather, what I meant was that they should all wish to be motivated by pure, selfless compassion like I was. In heaven, the gods were so impressed by my sacrifice that they cheered enthusiastically. “Bravo!” they all cried. “BRAVO FOR THE TALKING SKELETON!” After that, it rained flowers on my bones, which was nice. (KSJAT.) Here is another example of how noble I was in a previous lifetime: As King Padmaka, I was a good and loving ruler who cared tenderly for his dear subjects. When a deadly plague struck my kingdom and it turned out that the only thing that could possibly save my people was the flesh of an extremely rare fish known as the Rohita, I instantly decided to kill myself and be reborn as that fish in order that I might allow myself to be eaten. I remember climbing to the top of my palace, throwing down some incense and flowers, praying, “Make me the Rohita fish!” and jumping. I died the moment I hit the ground and was instantly reborn as the Rohita fish, as I obviously knew I would be. (I wouldn’t have jumped off the roof of my palace otherwise.) Now that I was the Rohita fish, my people came at me with spears and hooks and started slicing me to pieces while I was still alive. As they chopped me up, I wept tears of love for them and cried out, “Eat of my flesh, citizens, eat and be healed!” They proceeded to feast on my body for the next twelve years. (The Rohita is an enormous fish.) At the end of those twelve years I cried out to my people once more: “I, YOUR KING PADMAKA, HAVE SAVED YOU!” (How I could still speak after they’d been eating me for twelve consecutive years, I am still not quite sure, but I definitely could.) (AVDS) I will now tell you the story of my final and greatest lifetime, the one in which I finally became the Buddha. It all began in Tusita Heaven, the lovely place I had lived for several hundred years. One day some gods came to me and begged me to reenter human life. I remember their exact words to me: “Sir,” they said (because the gods always treated me as their superior, which I was), “now that you have achieved perfection you must save mankind. Now, sir, is the time for your Buddhahood.” (NK; SV) Before I agreed to go to earth, I needed to survey the situation. “First of all,” I remember thinking, “I must be born into a superior and wealthy family. My mother must not be a slutty drunk. That woman down there, Queen Maya, looks more than acceptable.” At that point, I turned to the gods. “I guess this is goodbye, old friends,” I said, then walked into Tusita City Park and flew down to earth. (NK) I was conceived in the following way: In a dream, my mother was anointed with perfume
